


underwater

by washoveryou (orphan_account)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Modern Royalty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 03:58:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1843510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/washoveryou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin has cancer, and magic, and a load of shit to plow through before it’s all over. Arthur has a job, and a husband, and a nearing end, and he isn’t going to let anything drag him underwater.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. two months before

**Author's Note:**

> this is the beginning, and it is as good as one can expect for a fix i started two years ago. I didn’t want to ruin the story by changing the first chapter too much from how i found it in my notebook, so it may be a bit...melodramatic, but i promise it gets better! enjoy and constructive criticism is always welcome!

“Hang on. Explain everything. Start from the beginning. Everything.”

It wasn't until Merlin was twenty-one that he was diagnosed. An illness so heavy in Merlin's chest that he could not breathe without someone reminding him why it was so important. “We confirmed that I didn't have lung cancer or breast cancer—though I did have man-boobs when I was a child...until I became anorexic and shed my weight,” Along with his already wrecked self-esteem. Merlin didn't really miss the tits.

“The doctors didn't like me very much, and I was still suffering from my eating disorder well into college,” Every time he had an appointment they would watch Merlin stumble into their offices, eyes gliding over his body unconvinced of his survival, unconfident in his will to live; smiles wide as if they believed he was too stupid to notice their lack of faith. At least Merlin wasn't too stupid to notice his own lack of faith.

“I was sick— _am_ _sick_. Always. will. be. Sick.” That's why it's called _terminal_ cancer, Merlin would've said, had it not been Arthur listening to him with glossy eyes and a stiff jaw. “But my mother always told me to hold my chin up high and hope for the best. I never listened to her, but you get the point.” Merlin had tricked himself and everyone around him into thinking he could survive. “Most days I thought it was natural selection trying to decide if I was worth keeping.” Merlin's voice rolled, almost catching. He wouldn't let himself cry. “Wasn't like I would be adding to the gene pool anytime soon, so they had a while to think it over.”

Merlin ached, his magic reaching out to the part of him that still had the strength to control it. “I truly believed that, for my own good and the sake of my friends and family and most importantly you, distancing myself was the easiest solution. For the longest time.” Merlin could survive if he wasn't constantly reminded of why his yearning of life would be more tragic than it already was; than it needed to be.

“If I die, which I will, but when I do— I don't want to hurt anyone any more than is essential. I want to make sure that what is incumbent is not hurting anyone, ever, at all. If that means that I can no longer love you as magnificently as I have, then so be it. I won't be completely unloving you, as that's very impossible.” Merlin finished, eyes burning and throat soar.

“That is extremely selfish and you should be ashamed.” Arthur mumbled, in an odd moment, trying to be light-hearted but failing extraordinarily. Speaking at Merlin's shoulder, Arthur's hands held him to the bed so he couldn't run, couldn't distance himself. Merlin dropped his chin and let go of his hopes. (He secretly thought that Arthur had done the same.)

Arthur, who's torso and thighs and everything else were pressed to Merlin's back, was then sighing and resting his bum on his heels, arms wrapping around Merlin like a straight jacket, pulling him close. Merlin thought, maybe I'm going crazy, thinking I could unlove him at all. He smiled despite himself. “I know that it's selfish, and believe me— I am ashamed. But of course it's selfish. I'm dying, I am allowed to be selfish. That's, like, rule number one of having cancer, isn't it?”

And Arthur laughed, sad smile pressed into Merlin's neck as he sighed again. His smile, it was mourning something that hadn't died yet; preparing for what Arthur was telling himself wouldn't come. God, everything in the world could feel it, like the world was vibrating and only Arthur could ignore it so fully, the bastard undeterred to keep trying. Merlin had begun to regret every second he let Arthur take pleasure in holding him, just being with him. Soon they wouldn't be able to do this, and Arthur would think about it every time he wanted to, and it would hurt him. Merlin wanted to cry. For fuck's sake, he always wanted to cry. So he finally, reluctantly, let myself cry because he was so comfortable, and Arthur's muscle-boobs were like his mothers, and Arthur's arms were secure and tender like his mother's, and it felt like home. It hadn't felt like home in a very long time. Merlin shuddered, shaking, breath dragging in and out, ripping his throat.

“You know, Merlin, we're supposed to be happy _now_ so we can hold ourselves up when we're sad in the future. You're being unreasonable. You think you're saving me by becoming more and more of a prick. I don't care if I'll cry until my eyes run out of tears. It would have been worth it to spend this time with you,” Arthur paused, kissing Merlin's cheek and leaving his lips there, slack aginst Merlin's flushed, wet cheek. “And now that you've told me about your magic,” Arthur said against Merlin’s ear, taking a deep breath. "I— I am going to make damn sure that we are as happy as two people can be. Even if it costs us sad later.”

“Arthur—”

“Damn it, Merlin."

“Okay. We can...I'll try.”

“That's more like it. Now, let's go. The guys are waiting for us.”

“You go. I need to rest.”

“Nope, you've done quite enough resting.” Arthur picked Merlin up by the armpits and tugged until their torsos were at an equal height.

“Whoa, be careful.”

“Oh, so now you're a delicate flower, but this morning you weren't?” Arthur tried so very hard to sound positive. He wanted everything to be normal. He needed it to be normal. Merlin needed to be okay and Arthur needed to help make it seem that way. His voice came out fake, and he regretted it.

“Shut _up_ , Arthur.”

“See? Prick.”

Merlin groaned.


	2. three weeks before

Merlin stood on the bridge, hands wrapped around the red metal of its frame. The river underneath sloshed and swayed licentiously. It made him dizzy.

“Arthur, how deep is the river, d'you think?”

“Why?”

“I asked my question first.” Merlin pouted.

“Yes, I s'pose you did, didn't you? Good observation skills, Merlin. Or is it memory?” Merlin scoffed, looking at the cloudless sky, miffed, and squinting at the sun. “Now, why do you want to know how deep the river is?”

“So I could jump in it,” There was a moment of nothing. Arthur was furious. “Without dying.” Merlin added quickly.

“I have no idea.”

“It's probably cold. God, I need to be cold. Get off, you tosser! It's too hot for that!” Arthur kissed his neck before backing away and moving next to Merlin, glowering.

“You are being so beautiful, Merlin. It's really not fair.”

“I'm also sweating like a pig and about to crumble into a pile of dust. Can we please go somewhere cold?”

“Like the river.”

“Like the lake. Avalon.”

“No, Merlin. You are ridiculous. That's continents away.”

“We'll take your plane.”

Arthur spluttered. “But— Merlin— we can't just leave the country!”

“Why not?” Merlin asked, turning to Athur with imploring eyes and a sudden rueful frown.

“Merlin, I have responsiblities, you have responsibilities— we can't just...jump out of our lives like there's nothing to leave behind.”

“I know that there's a lot to leave behind, but we aren't leaving for forever, you nitwit. It'll be like a vacation.”

“A vacation.”

“A vacation with beautiful water and a family cabin all to ourselves.” Merlin grinned. Arthur could not help but to smile with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about it being short, but there really isn’t a requirement when it comes to length, so...yeah.


	3. twelve days before

The Lake of Avalon was, as promsied, beautiful. The first thing Merlin did was sit down at the edge of the dock and let his toes dip into the water, legs lilting back and forth. Arthur sat beside him once he finished putting his things away. Rubbing circles into Merlin's back, Arthur let his eyes wander over the glossy calm of the water. Merlin hummed, leaning back and stopping the swing of his legs.

“You know, Merlin — "

“I don't.”

“ _You know, Merlin_ — that when I stood next to you and read my vows, I kicked myself in my ass because I thought I was making a mistake, and then I realized I wasn't. The second I opened my mouth, it was like everything I thought I hadn't meant, I suddenly did mean. Whole-heartedly.”

“Arthur,” Merlin grabbed Arthur's left hand from his lap, and laced their fingers tightly.

“And as much as you dissaprove of fate, I know that this...” Merlin flicked his eyes up to Arthur, peering through his lashes, disbelieving. “This is our destiny.”

“Changing the word doesn't necessarily change the meaning.”

“Can we just...have a _moment_?”

“Okay. All right. Sorry; continue.”

“All our marriage has been is sex and tears and sometimes both and really I just want you to know that you mean so much more to me than my obligations and my father and literally anything and I wish it weren't so sometimes, but—” Arthur took a breath. “But nobody has a choice when it comes to their destiny.”

“Are you...?”

“And I'm afraid that, _given_ a choice, I'd still pick you.”

Merlin wanted to rip off Arthur's hand for being so abashed and endearing, squeezing tighter.

“I'm done now; you can kiss me.”

“God, do I fuck you or cry?” Merlin thought a moment. “Or both?”

Arthur laughed breathily. “'It will never be different, will it?'”

Merlin tugged Arthur almost on top of him, lips pressing hard to his. Arthur lay Merlin down on the dock, climbing over him and running his hands over Merlin's sides and hips, hiking up his shirt inch by inch. Merlin tugged at Arthur's tight, white Henley, grinning up at him. Arthur pulled it off and attempted to tug Merlin's stripped t-shirt past his chest, but couldn't due to Merlin running his hands over the curves and dips of Arthur's muscles.

Merlin laughed as Arthur sighed impatiently. “You never cease to be both sexy and completely _un_ sexy in one moment.”

Merlin let his head rest back against the dry, hot wood. He sat up, lifting his shirt over his head and putting it under his head with Arthur's shirt. Arthur scoffed and leaned down to kiss Merlin's neck and collarbone.

Merlin ran his hands down Arthur's back, grabbing Arthur's ass. “Fuck,” Arthur whispered as Merlin brushed his hand over Arthur's crotch and up his stomach. His hands met at the back of Arthur's neck as they kissed; hot, wet lips sliding together passionately.

“Thank you, Arthur,” Merlin breathed, eyes lidded and lips pink, a tiny smile somehow brightening his whole face. The sun shined brightly behind Arthur, his golden hair giving him an ethereal glow that made Merlin's heart leap out of his chest. “Oh my _God_ , thank you.”

“Don't mention it.” Arthur said, voice low as he winked.

“Piss off.” Merlin said against Arthur's lips, really feeling the heat of the summer sun.


	4. nine days before

Arthur jumped in first, expecting the water to be at least a _little_ warm and ending up swimming in a giant, natural hot tub. Merlin took his time as he walked down the stairs that branched from the side of the long dock and into the water. Arthur swam over, and then pushed his hair back as he came up to Merlin, brushing the water from his face and grinning brightly.

“Uther hates me, doesn't he?”

“No!” Arthur said, and then quieter, “A little, yeah. But it isn't a complete hatred. He would've had you assassinated if he didn't think you could run a country alongside me.

Merlin was smiling. “And how much convincing did that take?”

Arthur pulled Merlin in by the waist, his lips hovering over Merlin's ear. “All that matters is that _I_ , your gorgeous and amazing and perfect and sexy and strong and gallant husband, am absolutely, inexplicably crazy about you.”

“Why are you so charming? It's not fair!”

“I guess you could say that I'm—”

“Don't.” Merlin said dangerously, face falling.

“I’m Prince—”

“Don't you dare!”

“ _I'm your Prince Charming_!” Arthur said quickly, howling to himself and throwing his head back.

“You ass.” Merlin said, eyes gliding over Arthur’s neck and chest. “You  _beautiful_  ass.”

Arthur hugged Merlin, pulling him close.

Merlin hugged back, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Arthur's.

“Can we stay like this, Merlin?”

“Not forever.”

Arthur sighed. “Obviously. But, I mean, it doesn't have to be _forever_ forever. It can just be...the forever we have.”

“You let your heart get the better of you like a dumb-ass, Arthur. Always have, always will. You’re really quite pretentious, too—"

“You just ruined the moment.”

“And you are a big softy at heart.”

“I am _not soft_!”

“You're not soft, no. You're squishy and you've got a kind heart. That better?”

“Stop talking.”

“I'll stop talking when you let go of me.”

“Then I guess you'll never shut up, will you?”

“Arthur, I swear to got if you say something adorable I am going to kill you.”

Arthur pulled back, holding Merlin's shoulders lightly. “I'm never letting go of you, Merlin.”

“This isn't _Titanic_. You’re being so dramatic.”

“I know you wish it was.” Arthur laughed, and Merlin couldn't help but stop breathing at the twinkle in Arthur's eyes, and it was silly and sappy, but it was there, and he knew Arthur deserved better.

“If this was _Titanic_ , you'd have to be Rose.”

“Damn, I would, wouldn't I?” Arthur chuckled under his breath, pulling Merlin in for a gentle kiss. “We'll have to head home in a few days.”

“Has it been almost two weeks already?”

“Yeah. Sorry I couldn't get us more time.”

“Don't start being sorry for that now.” Merin smiled sadly, running his hands down Arthur's chest and kissing the corner of his mouth.


	5. four years before

Arthur fixed his suit jacket. Percival smoothed out his shoulders and patted him on the back, smiling at him through the mirror. “You look great, Merlin looks great, this is exciting, and somehow I feel like I'm more happy about this than you are.”

“Yeah, this is your wedding day!” Elyan said, buttoning the cuff of his right sleeve. “When Gwen got married, she was crying non-stop since the engagement.”

“Well, Gwen must have more of a heart than Arthur, 'cause I haven't seen him cry in ages.” Lance said, biting into an apple.

“You, sir, are _biased_.” Percival said patronizingly.

“No, I just— Yeah, I am.” Lance conceeded, tucking in his dress-shirt.

“Do I— do I look okay?” Arthur asked, smiling awkwardly.

“Wait, where are the stripes? You said you'd wear stripes! For Merlin!” Morgana's voice called from behind him, catching everyone off guard. Arthur pulled his blazer back, revealing red and gold stripped suspenders. “Excellent!”

“I'm starting to think this is for you more than Merlin.”

“I had some influence in the suggestion, yes.”

“You look handsome as ever, I must say.” Gwen said, walking up behind Morgana. “So does Merlin.” Gwen said softly.

“God, this is going to be a horrible mess. I can feel it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Merlin tied his shoelaces, ran his fingers over his red and gold stripped socks, and stood. He smoothed out the suit and touched his gelled hair. It was slicked back and he looked like he was meant to be in a Bond film. Gwaine tucked his dress shirt into his sweat pants. Merlin turned around to face him and Gwen, frowning. “You are not wearing sweat pants.”

“I am not wearing sweatpants.” Gwaine echoed. Merlin sighed.

“The cerimony is in five hours! You can't wear sweat pants!”

“All right, I'll change.” Gwaine said, sauntering away sadly.

“Merlin, are you okay?” Gwen asked, buttoning Merlin's blazer for him.

“Absolutely not. Gwen, this is going to go horribly. I'm going to mess up my vows or— or mispronounce something easy like _dog_ and then I'll be locked away or be pelted with whatever the audience has on them and I'll be exiled and banned from the UK and Arthur will hate me and oh, God, Gwen _what do I do_?”

“Well, first you need to stop worrying.”

“I can't. It's impossible.”

“Then you need to ignore it, or make a joke out of it, or whatever. This is your _wedding_ day! You are getting _married_ to the _future_ _king_.”

“I am getting _married_ ,” Merlin repeated, staring at himself in the mirror. “To a future _king_. Which means I'll be king, does it?”

“I wouldn't worry about that now. You've got enough on your mind.”

“What else should I have on my mind besides _'Holy shit I, a man, am getting married to another man in the Curch of England to a a real-life heir-to-the-throne prince!'_ What else on this Earth is more pressing than that?”

“Your magic, maybe? I don't know, I just thought that maybe you should've told him as soon as he proposed? So you wouldn't have to do it after there is no escape!”

“Gwen,” Merlin said, suddenly unfrantic and serious. “Arthur doesn't have to know.”

“If you don't tell him, I will.”

“No you won't.” Merlin said, regretting it the second he let it slip. Gwen finished fixing his hair and left wordlessly.

 

* * *

 

 

“Arthur William Uther Pendragon...”

Merlin shifted nervously, his smile unwieldy and captivatingly bright.

“I will.”

“Merlin Balinor Emrys...”

“I will.”

Arthur smiled, almost laughing but holding it back. Merlin's eyes went wide with worry and Arthur wanted to kill him and hug him and it took every fiber of his being not to kiss Merlin's breath away after the prayer and the official pronunciation.

So instead he kissed Merlin to take his thoughts and worries away, and it worked.


End file.
